A Wolf's Spirit

It all began so innocently.  A conversation with a friend in which I mentioned that I seem to be having a hard time resting. I told her that I can only seem to rest in front of a screen lately. The meaning being; lately my idea of rest is a computer or a TV screen. What I didn't say was the hidden meaning is I never rest anymore, because such activities are stimulating, and not truly restful.  They are ways of never being alone with ourselves... never thinking very much... never feeding our spirits.  And suddenly as I consider such things, I feel very uncomfortable with myself.  I guess if I were to be honest, I'd have to say I haven't been comfortable with myself for some time now.  But the knowledge and the acknowledgement of this discomfort is my greatest discomfort yet.  


The conversation quickly flowed to discussing our need to run away, and how for me, that means camping.  You see, every year it is in my genetic make-up to return to nature.  If I do not perform this task, it unsettles my entire being for year.  Well due to complications with my husband's job, I've been unable to do this for a few years.  Imagine if you will, an aquarium where the water filter never gets changed.  After a few years it would be mighty gross and clogged and unpleasant.  Perhaps the buildup might even cause it to cease functioning.  This would be me... this would be my spirit.  I must return to the earth to reset... recharge... reconnect...change my filter, if you will.  This is my church... this is where I gather, this is where I commune.


I quickly realized that not only do I need to get back to nature, but I urgently need to get to the first pow wow I get an opportunity to go to.  Not just any pow wow, not a competition or exhibition pow wow, though those have their own merits, but rather a traditional pow wow.  I am exceedingly blessed to live in a land where pale faces like me are welcomed with open arms in the native community not as a visitor or a tourist, but as a sister.  In the end, when I look back into my past, this is where my spirit has always called me to be.  This is home to me, and I am homesick.  


The conversation soon turned to discussing the different kinds of pow wows, and when I mentioned hoop dancers, she admitted to being unaware of their existence.  Being the woman that I am, I very quickly sought to rectify such a tragedy and located a couple of hoop dance videos on youtube.  What had begun as a small wisp of smoke burning in my Spirit turned to small licks of flames, and I began to hunt for more pow wow music.  The licks quickly grew to full sized flames, swallowing me whole and reminding me what it is like to feed my spirit.  Hours upon hours were spent listening to my spirit music, and I feel a great weight and a great sadness lifting.  I am coming home.


Perhaps tomorrow I shall clean my home pow wow style.  ;0)